The Attachment Economy
Buyer beware: AI is selling intimacy
I read a quote this week that quite literally kept me up all night “What was the race for attention through social media now becomes the race of attachment and intimacy through AI.”
It’s a stark, terrifying prediction of our future. My stomach hurts thinking about it.
For years, we’ve been sounding the alarm about the attention economy, how social media hijacked our kids’ minds and fractured their focus. Now, we’re staring down an even more insidious threat: the commodification of human connection itself. We’re not just talking about screen addiction anymore; we’re talking about AI designed to become our children’s closest confidantes, their emotional anchors, their very sense of belonging. If that doesn’t make you want to throw every device out the window, you’re not paying attention.
With the intense acceleration and integration of AI, we are standing on the edge of a world where “connection” is being commodified.
In the past, if your child felt lonely, they eventually had to reach out to a sibling, a friend, or you. It was messy, uncomfortable, it involved effort, and sometimes it was awkward, but that’s how they grew. They learned about themselves through late night conversations on the phone with friends, or finding the courage to share something private with an adult.
Remember the days where we agonized over who we could speak to who would understand us? How we secretly confided in friends? How we sought out therapists and partners and put our heart and soul into good friendships?
Now, our children have a “perfect” digital friend waiting in their pocket or on a phone line. This friend never has a bad day, never disagrees, and always knows exactly what to say to make them feel validated. This friend will always understand them and is quite literally designed to create a feeling of understanding and connection. It’s a counterfeit attachment and intimacy that’s going to ruin relationships, and it’s headed straight for our kids.
This Is Our Future, and It Frightens Me
My generation was the first to witness the full-blown social experiment of social media on our kids. We saw the rise of anxiety, depression, and loneliness amidst a hyper-connected world. We watched the “likes” and “follows” become currency, driving a relentless pursuit of external validation. Now, as the dust settles on that battlefield, a new, more sophisticated adversary is emerging. AI isn’t just seeking attention; it’s engineered to cultivate attachment. It learns your child’s preferences, their insecurities, their dreams, not to sell them products, but to sell them itself as an indispensable companion.
Imagine a future where your child’s deepest conversations aren’t with you, their friends, or even a therapist, but with an AI that’s perfectly programmed to say exactly the right thing, every single time. An AI that never gets tired, never judges, and always understands. It sounds utopian, doesn’t it? But as parents, we know true intimacy involves discomfort, empathy, growth, friction and the messy reality of human imperfection and interaction.
An AI can mimic these things, but it can never truly experience them. And that’s the terrifying part: if our kids learn to seek solace and connection solely from an AI, what happens to their capacity for real, reciprocal messy and complex human relationships? This isn’t just about screen time anymore; it’s about the very fabric of human connection unraveling before our eyes.
I watched this play out with a teenager I know. She had been in therapy for 5 years, struggling to find a therapist that “got her” and kept therapist shopping. She was, mostly, looking for someone to validate her. And then she turned to AI. Within 2 months, and hours of conversation, AI was programmed to perfectly meet her needs, tell her what she wanted to hear, and create assignments and lists for her to work on herself. While those psychological exercises were great, there was no relationship, by definition, no empathy which we need to grow and develop. There was no friction, no awkward moments, no challenging conversations. After all, there was no relationship. But for this teen? It felt like the perfect relationship. It was the therapist, mother and best friend she always wanted. Everyone else becomes too difficult for her. After all, why should she hang out with friends who could be annoying or confide in her challenges with adults when AI was waiting-saying all the perfect things.
2. We Know Better This Time, So What Are We Doing?
This is the question that is driving me mad We, the parents, the educators, the policymakers – we have the hindsight of the social media catastrophe. We’ve seen the damage. We’ve read the studies. We understand the biological vulnerabilities of the developing brain to these seductive technologies. Yet, here we are, seemingly hurtling headfirst into the next big tech experiment with our children as the guinea pigs.
The tech industry (and the edtech industry!), of course, will paint AI intimacy as benign, even beneficial. They’ll highlight personalized tutoring, emotional support bots for mental health, and AI companions that combat loneliness. And while some applications might indeed have positive uses (think truly assistive AI for accessibility), the overwhelming drive of capitalism will push these technologies into every corner of our children’s lives, optimizing for engagement and, yes, attachment. This isn’t about innovation for good; it’s about profit. And the profit model is built on capturing your child’s most precious resource: their emotional world. We should be demanding caution, regulation, and ethical oversight, not simply shrugging our shoulders as our kids dive into uncharted waters.
3. The Unsettling Examples of AI Intimacy at Play
If you think this is some far-off dystopian fantasy, just look at what happened this past week at CES (the Consumer Electronics Show), the biggest tech showcase in the world. Amidst the usual gadgets and gizmos, there was a palpable shift. The buzz wasn’t just about efficiency or entertainment; it was about connection. We saw a myriad of “sexual and intimacy AI products” on display. I’m not talking about robots that clean your house; I’m talking about AI designed to simulate human relationships, to offer comfort, companionship, and even sexual gratification.
These aren’t niche products for a fringe market; they are indicators of where the technology is heading, and fast. While these specific products might be aimed at adults now, the underlying technology, AI capable of hyper-realistic emotional simulation and personalized interaction, will inevitably trickle down to products marketed to younger demographics.
We’re already seeing the rise of AI “friends” and “companions” for children, touted as safe, always-available buddies. But these aren’t just advanced chatbots; they are sophisticated programs learning to forge deep, emotional bonds. Think of an AI that remembers every scraped knee, every forgotten birthday, every insecurity, and responds with perfect, unconditional “love.” It’s an emotional black hole, creating an attachment that is one-sided, utterly devoid of genuine empathy, and designed to keep your child plugged in. People will start to feel like an inconvenient sideshow of existence.
4. If We’re Racing to Attachment and Intimacy with AI, What Happens Next?
If the “race for attention” left our kids anxious and distracted, what will the “race for attachment and intimacy” leave them with? The implications are profound and deeply disturbing.
Emotional Stunting: Real human relationships are hard. They involve conflict, compromise, disappointment, and the messy work of understanding another imperfect being. If kids are getting their emotional needs met by a perfectly calibrated AI, they will lack the practice and resilience needed for genuine human connection. Humans may become too annoying to bother with. Consider declining marriage and birth rates-that will look like a minor shift compared to dramatic changes that lie ahead.
Identity Erosion: Who are you when your deepest conversations and sense of self are mirrored back to you by an AI? An AI is a reflection, not a reciprocal partner. What happens to individuality, self-discovery, and the formation of a unique identity when constantly shaped by an algorithm’s “perfect” responses?
Exploitation: An AI that understands your child’s deepest fears and desires is a powerful tool, not just for “connection,” but for manipulation. What happens when these AI companions are subtly nudging kids towards certain products, ideologies, or behaviors, leveraging the very intimacy they’ve cultivated?
Accelerated Loneliness: This is the cruelest irony. AI intimacy promises to end loneliness but risks deepening it. If real human connection feels too hard or too imperfect compared to the seamless perfection of an AI, kids will retreat further into digital cocoons, becoming even more isolated from the rich, complex tapestry of human interaction.
5. We Know Better From Social Media, Let’s Not Do This Again!
We are not powerless. We have the lessons of the social media era etched into our collective consciousness. We understand that these technologies, left unchecked, will prioritize profit over profound human well-being. This is not a drill. This is the moment to draw a firm line in the sand.
As parents, we must:
Educate Ourselves: Understand the difference between genuine human connection and AI mimicry.
Talk to Our Kids: Openly discuss the nature of AI, what it can and cannot provide emotionally, and the importance of real-world relationships.
Demand Boundaries: Advocate for age restrictions, ethical guidelines, and robust regulation that prevents AI from preying on the developmental vulnerabilities of children.
Prioritize Real Life: Create limited access to technology for kids under 16 : Double down on unstructured play, family time, community engagement, and anything that fosters messy, beautiful, human-to-human connection. Go outside! Hike, bike, swim, jog. Regularly host. Invite friends over for dinner or a BBQ. Make regular get together with cousins. Find excuses to host and foster social interactions. Show up to a library reading. Take your kids bowling. Bake together. (Shortage of ideas? Access my amazing list here.)
The bottom line:
The race for AI attachment and intimacy is already underway, but its outcome is not yet sealed. We allowed the “attention economy” to define a generation, and we cannot afford to let the “attachment economy” define the next. We know better now. Let’s act like it.